How to be and stay HAPPY (Shortest post ever)

Choose to be happy. Everyday. 

Well.......then do it.

I have voices in my head.  Yeah.  I know.  I think everyone does or maybe i just tell myself that.  I don't know. Either way, I have a new voice.  It's pretty good.  It's not annoying like that, "You're not that good" voice.  And it's not overbearing like that "You should just pull a Hunter Thompson and go nuts" voice.  It's a calm, confident voice that only responds to my ideas.  It's the one that says "Well.......then do it"

I have tons of ideas going on all the time.  Business ideas, book ideas, story lines for movies, crazy generosity moves.  They never amount to anything because the other voices tell me what to do.  "You can't do that. You're only a barber,  No one will ever get behind that.  You're family doesn't do stuff like that."  Now there's a new noise in my head....."Do it.  What would it take to get this idea done? And if you can't do it now, write it down for later.  Don't talk about it until it's done" 

How did that voice appear?  Friends.  Good friends, good books and podcasts.  Fill your mind with great insight and you will leave very little room for nonsense.  I always try to learn from the experts, not my neighbor who hates his job.  Just like you don't take money advice from broke folks, don't take life advice from stagnant wannabes. You have to find the greatness.  I can get you started with these links:

Subscribe, follow , read or download anything these guys offer.

Dave Ramsey

Seth Godin

Jon Acuff

Andy Stanley

Greg Boyd

That covers the books and podcasts.  Now you need good friends. I'm lucky to have 2 close, close friends.  One of them is a firefighter who owns 5 multifamily homes.  This guy has looked out for me and taught me about money since 2003.  He really inspired me to be better with my decisions in life.  We were making roughly the same amount of money in 07.  He had 2 houses.  I had 63 pairs of Jordans.  C'mon. I told him i was getting out of debt in 09.  He said, "just do it, stop talking about it." I did it!  He kept me honest because I respected his opinion.  When we talk about ideas, we build instead of deconstruct.  He pushes me to do more and be a better me.  I'd like to think I do the same for him.

My wife has been my single biggest influence in the last 3 years.  She has a great way of looking at things:  If it's been done, then she can do it.  No one is better than anyone so we're all capable of doing anything we want.  It comes down to tenacity and mental toughness.  She has a Phd in both. She doesn't really encourage or shoot me down.  She has a signature, hybrid sort of threat/manifesto that makes me see what the path is and how to rock it.  Priceless.  

The last thing you should do, and I got this from Dave, is ask the people you respect how they do it. There are people doing what you want to do. Buy them lunch or a coffee someday.  Pick their brains. You could get a lesson for $30 instead of a tuition payment.  If your dream is to play in the NBA, they may not be accessible like that, but most successful people are great teachers and passionate mentors.  You'd be surprised how accommodating they'll be.  I do it all the time.

We all have a big idea or dream, well..........then do it!

When you're married to your roommate

I've had it out with every single one of my roommates.  No fist fights, but a lot of arguments and a lot of moving out because “this doesn't work anymore”.  I remember this woman Lynne I worked with at my high school job. She told me not to move in with my best friends because we would not be friends after.  How could that happen? Well, when you've done things a certain way your whole life and then someone challenges that, the world stops moving a little bit.

 

My 3rd wedding anniversary is tomorrow!  I have a life-long roommate. It's funny because I had lived on my own for a while; probably about 12 years.  She is smart and lived with her folks until she had enough money to buy a place.  So she's coming from mom and dad's.  I'm coming from 2 years with no roommate at all.  Let's get hitched and live together.......go!  I didn't even know I had strong opinions on where a toaster should go. (Which is near the stove, next to the butter, by the way.)  We battled over that for about 2 years.  And there were at least a dozen other things just like the toaster.  Pretty soon, everyday can be an argument, debate or just giving up ground on something. Your marriage can feel small, tight and trivial.  It feels like you can't win.  It feels like you wanna leave.

 

What we need to ask ourselves is this: Are my problems marriage issues or roommate issues?  

She doesn't trust your word when you're out late......marriage issue.  

He hates the way you file mail.........roommate issue.  

You can't agree on how laundry should be folded.........roommate issue.  

You feel belittled in a lot of situations.........marriage issue.

 

Do you see where I’m going with this?  Pretty crazy what can happen when your ways of doing life collide with each other.  How many breakups and divorces were over roommate issues and general way-of-life challenges?  

 

Whether you're married or just living together, please go through your relationship and write down all your problems.  Sort them into the roommate or marriage issues and remember why you love the other person. It has really helped me. 

There Will Be Another Boat

In Italy, only mongrels eat in public. Well, mongrels and also my wife and I. We did our honeymoon in Amalfi, which is on the southern coast. It's where the laces would be on “the boot”. Beautiful place. My wife's description: “This is how I pictured heaven.” I highly recommend it makes your bucket list.

We planned a day trip to Capri, a small island off the coast. We bought tickets the day before. We looked online at the tourist attractions. We bought a map of the island and sort of set up the day. The only thing we didn't do is set an alarm. Yeah.

The boat leaves at 9, we woke up at 8:30 and it's a 20 minute ride to the dock. Before this starts sounding like a word problem, I’ll just cut to it and say: “No time for breakfast”. So we speed through town on our rented moped, with no showers and no idea if we'll make it. We got to the dock, parked “al italiano”(wherever I want) and ran to the boat. The boat that we saw wasn't even our boat. Our boat hadn’t docked yet. When it did, it was going to unload first so we had 10 minutes at least to grab breakfast.

We walked across the street to a little cafe and ordered 2 cappuccinos and 2 croissants. As the guy is making the coffees, I ask him if we can take it to-go. He looks befuddled, so I point to Styrofoam cups and say “take away”. I wasn't sure if he spoke English. I spoke zero Italian. He figures out what I’m saying and replies with a laugh, “Oh no my friend. You can sit at any of these tables outside. They are all my tables. Please, sit.”

I responded, “I understand, but we have a boat to catch and we are already late. I don't wanna miss that boat.”

He put his hand on my shoulder, smiled as big as I'd ever seen a guy smile and said, “There will be another boat my friend. Sit down and eat”

Great advice from an Italian cafe owner: “There will be another boat.” Enjoy your food. Enjoy your time awake with your spouse. There will be another boat. Don't rush. This food, right here, this is the main thing right now. Sit down, slow down, eat the food and enjoy it.

What else do I rush through? What other joys do I sacrifice or skip for the sake of my precious schedule? What would life be like if I sat and ate all my food instead of cramming bites into my trap while on hold or between clients? Just sitting and enjoying.....Hmmm.......this could alleviate a lot of problems.

By the way, we did not listen to him. We took our cappuccino’s across the street, burnt the crap out of my tongue and ate the croissants to the jeers of the general public.   

Assessors suck! (define your own worth)

They are on the verge of divorce...... again.  This is literally the tenth time this "news" emerged. The man in the relationship asked me to hang out with the woman a couple times, to try to talk to her and make sure she is in her right mind. She is, according to him, probably going to leave him. That's scary, daunting and hurtful. I get it. I told this man I'm no longer for hire in these situations because it never changes and I end up losing sleep over it. I put up those boundaries a couple years back and I intend on keeping them. After we talked a little more, he tells me that according to her, “I'm a piece-of-shit, alcoholic”. I told him he's not a piece-of....... and he should know that by now. He should know who he is and what he's worth. Right then, it hit me hard: he has no idea who he is. All the great things in his life and he still answers to that? He still needs to be persuaded other wise?

Why do we let others define our worth? This question is deeper than a few paragraphs on a blog, but I want you to start asking yourself this question. I want you to describe who you are using a few words on paper. Then pray, meditate, be still, whatever calms your inner-voice down and ask “Are these words true?” There are many people who have it right and who live from the correct context. A lot of us have it all wrong. If I were to describe this man from earlier, I'd use the words strength, dedication, integrity, loyal. I wonder what he would say.

We all get our confidence from something. We get our picture of who we are from past experiences and people's opinions. We screw up all the time and the people we love the most let us know how we're doing. People around us keep score, but what if they didn't? What if we solely took our worth from who God says we are? We are his children, his creation, his delight. We are made for a reason. We are. Get with your God on this one and help define yourself with no influence from your past; no voices telling you who you are.

My Family Doesn't Do That

My family is awesome.  Yeah we have some dysfunction.  Any human fam does.  But at the end of the day, we all love each other and will hold each other down when trouble comes.  My wife's family is like my family on turbo.  They help each other so much and so quickly that I can't even get my Pops on the phone before her dad or brothers are there with the right tool for the job.  They live for each other and it's a beautiful thing.

We are about to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary.  As we've been learning to be roommates as well as husband and wife, I notice we say this a lot: "Well my family doesn't do that".  My family is different from yours and we don't do that.  We come from separate backgrounds and we react to situations differently.  Usually the way our family handles stuff is how we will.  My family doesn't do that so I don't do that.

When I got a real relationship with God, the closest I'd felt to him was like a son.  We have a father-son thing going on. When I learn about my Father and the way his family does things, that's my fam too.  So when I'm just about to have at it with a bottle of Jack, or talk poorly about my wife in front of a crowd, or keep that $50 bill one of my clients mistook for a $20, He reminds me:  My family doesn't do that.

Know God, No Religion

I think we messed up.  Really, I'm thinking that this whole religion thing is a step in the wrong direction. (And now a collective gasp from my family and church circle.) I believe that Jesus came to end religion and then we made a religion around him. Oops. In the gospels, there are a bunch of instances where Jesus corrects the pharisees for getting on him about “proper procedure”. There is a whole bunch of stuff in the new testament that leads me to think that Jesus was anti-religion.

I love my wife. We are married. I don't love her because of the ceremony. Do you see what I’m getting at? I choose to love her everyday regardless of how she acts or what I get in return. And she chooses to love me through all of my hang-ups and low points. The wedding was a symbol and public declaration of our love and commitment, but it is not the glue that binds us. So on the same note, God loves us and we accept the love and the grace. We publicly declare it and profess our love for Him but that declaration is not the reason we love him. There is a relationship going on.

God wants a relationship with you. He does not want your steps to be perfect. In the book, “End of Religion”, Bruxy Cavey illustrates this point a few different ways. My favorite was this: A husband decides to take his marriage to a new level and sets up a date with his wife on a Tuesday night. He calls the babysitter, makes a reservation at her favorite restaurant and comes home early. He surprises her by saying, “Baby, put on your best dress. I have the sitter coming over and we are going out.” She is elated. They get to the restaurant and sit at their favorite table. The husband pulls out a flower and a card saying all the sweet things a card like that should. The wife is just swept off of her feet and they have a great night. The husband feels good knowing he has pleased his partner. The next Tuesday he does the same thing. She puts on her dress, they sit at the same table at the same restaurant. He gives her the same flower and the same card. They go home and she is happy but a little weirded out. The following Tuesday, she's wondering if he is going to do the same thing.....and he does. Same time, same restaurant, etc. Now the incredible thought and sentiment are lost. The machine-like, repetitive steps have now taken a beautiful act of love and sort of flipped it to mindless busy work. The meaning is lost. The love is lost.

We do this with Jesus all day long. I can get up early and read scripture and pray everyday. And for the most part, that's a great habit to get into. However, my relationship with Christ is what makes my heart change. My relationship with Him is what counts. Those steps can lead me there, but they are not the reason I love Him nor are they the reason He loves me.  

9 ways to make a break up less like getting your face ripped off.

About 5 years ago, before I married my wife, she dumped me.  Looking back, I'm glad it was before we got married.  She had every right to leave me.  I was lost and not taking responsibility for my life; no goals, no direction and certainly not husband-like.  And when you're in that 2-3 year relationship and one of you really isn't trying to get serious, one leaves.  If she didn't draw her line in the sand, I would probably have never found my guts and learned that I do have what it takes to be a great person.  Here is what I learned about break-ups.  I hope it helps you find your worth! 

1. GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY FOR HELP THROUGH THIS JOURNEY
2. CRY. IT'S OK
3. BUY A JOURNAL AND START WRITING EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO HER.
   You can't talk to her whenever you want. That's no longer an option. So tell the journal. It's so important to get those words out of your head. You will always want to talk to her. You will have so many things to say daily and so much enlightenment. So many sorrys and so many gripes. Write them down. Leave her alone
4. DO NOT CALL/TEXT/EMAIL/FACEBOOK/TWEET HER, HER FRIENDS OR FAMILY.
   Kind of redundant here.  It's on purpose.  Separate your self completely from the situation. I know it hurts. Its supposed to hurt. She is hurt too and by poking and prodding you’re basically guaranteeing a never-healing wound.
5. WHEN SHE TRIES TO CONTACT YOU, BE STRONG.
   You're trying to build a space where you have you're own thoughts and feelings. She will call you out of the blue and it will always be when you're having a good day and not pining over the situation. Think opening scene of Swingers. If she had told you not to contact her, then tell her the same goes for her. Fair is fair and you're trying to get better on your terms, not hers.
6. GET RID OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE THAT REMINDS YOU OF HER.
   Sounds desperate and weird but trust me, it's going to make the healing go easier. You could be having a great day, and then notice your calender where every month is a picture of you guys on vacation and she's in a bikini mostly. C'mon man. Get that out of here. You don't need the reminder.
7. LOOK AT WHATS REALLY THERE AND DISMISS MIXED SIGNALS.
   Break ups are sticky and messy. You will talk to her or replay and old conversation in your mind. You will find something interesting to you and look deeper into it and try to make it into something. Look at what she is actually saying! This is the main point right now. So often I would dismiss what she told me to do, which was leave her alone for a while. Instead, I would map out a reason why she actually does still want me. “ Well she said she still cares for me and then she asked how my family was and so that must mean that there is something there and she just needs to see me more so she can remember.” You're not alone in this thought process. Its wishful thinking in its simplest form. It's natural. Lets go back though and look at what she said. “Leave me alone for a while, I need some time to heal, think and clear my mind.” the whole asking about your family is fundamental conversation starter when things are awkward. That's all.
8. CRY MORE. IT'S STILL OK
9. DEVELOP AND BEGIN DAILY ROUTINE
   Sticking to this will be your new relationship. Sample routine: wake up, pray, write a note to her and keep it (journal), gym, work, hang with friends. When I went through my bad one, I lost about 25 lbs at the gym and doubled my strength. I'm flabby again, but hey, back then I was a beast and it took up a lot of my time, focus and anguish. I also wrote everyday and really learned about myself. It turned out to be one of the greatest summers of my life.

An Addiction or a Commitment?

I watch movies. I watch tons and tons of movies. It doesn't matter if it's the worst movie ever or if I've seen it 57 times, I'm watching a flick everyday. Sometimes I watch two. In case I haven't pounded this point home yet, I love love love film.

I was sharing this with one of my favorite clients.

Him: “Wow. Really? Now is that an addiction or a commitment?”.

Me: “Whattya mean?” Because in my mind, it's not drugs and it's not booze.

Him: “In other words, is that something you set out to do this year? Is it your goal to watch 365 movies?”

Ahhhhh. Very interesting.

An addiction is something you don't set out to do. You do it just because. You do it even if you don't want to. It keeps you in a rut. A commitment is something you set out to do. You aspire to do it. It takes time and discipline and it can change your path. An addiction can keep you away from success and a commitment gets you on your way.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with watching flicks. That could actually be a commitment for some of us. (Like a film student or something) But if you should be spending time on your health or marriage or maybe starting your big dream, movies should get knocked off the list of priorities. A new list should be made with new commitments and disciplines.

What's your “movies”?

Are you a bouncer or a promoter?

Let's pretend that salvation is the biggest party in the history of creation. There's going to be a ton of food, a ton of music and you are invited. I've known about the party for a while and I hadn't felt like going. I saw the attendees. They seemed kind of fake and stiff and I didn't see myself fitting in there. Plus, anytime I got close to the entrance, an individual or a small group of people would tell me I wasn't dressed right. Or I couldn't get in because I had been drinking already, even though it was just a beer with my dinner. They didn't like my tattoos or my beard. I couldn't wear a hat. They told me that in order to get into this party, I needed to fix all these things. So I bounced. See ya. I can't fix all these right now.

Then I started noticing that people I really respect are going to the party. These were some people I could see myself hanging with. Now I'm really thinking about going. But wait, I have to fix these things. Well, lets just get to the door and see if those bouncers are there. They weren't there! I got in! I was just inside the door and then, boom, another group of folks. They didn't even mention my clothes. They shined a flashlight in my eyes and asked me a bunch of questions. “Do you believe we live in a Christian country, founded on Christian values? Are you yay or nay on gay marriage? Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Do you believe in creation or evolution?” The list went on a bit, but I could see very clearly that I wasn't going to make it in this time either.

I went home and thought about it for a while. I couldn't get this jaded feeling to go away. Why are there so many stipulations to get in there? It was one of those situations where I didn't even want in anymore but I knew that I needed a party like that. When I was leaving that second time, I did notice a group of dudes that looked a lot like me. They were dressed like me and were in a circle by themselves. I wanted to ask them what their deal was. How did they get in?

For months and months I stayed home, read my Bible and prayed by myself. The Bible is a giant invitation to the party and other people are inviting me like every 2 weeks. On a random day, one of those guys that resembled me sat in my chair to get a haircut. What a coincidence! It took me a while to get to it, but I finally asked if he was at that party. He emphatically stated, “Yes, but I’m different.”.

“Okay, how?”

“I don't know everything about everything. I know one thing: God loves me and he loves you and that's all I need to know. That's all that matters. Inside that party are ex-cons, ex-prostitutes, ex-fiends. They all have immeasurable worth to God. He created us and wouldn't want to see one of us excluded from the party. When you accept that fact and you live from it everyday, you see the world through his eyes and you cannot keep anyone out in the cold anymore. If we accept the invitation and walk through those doors, we all get in. That's what I told the bouncers and they stepped aside”

I simply replied “Thank you”

Are you a bouncer or a promoter? For the Kingdom of God, there are people who attract others and people who act as a gate keeper, picking who “gets in” and who doesn't. Which one are you?

Hip-Hop Shaped My Life

My freshman year at Framingham State College was full of me making an ass out of myself. I grew up in Medway, MA where we had a 1% racial diversity. The only black guys I knew were dudes I met through music. I was ignorant. Typical ignorance had me asking every kid that was a shade darker than khaki, "Do you rap?". Wow. Just in case you were looking to make a new friend, here's a racially charged conversation-killer. Have fun! My intentions were only to build with people though. I always loved talking to anyone about music and the techniques of rhyming and making beats. I did end up meeting a few cats that shared my obsession. I'm still close with one of them today. (What up Pete!)

If you're a Hip-Hop head, you can skip over this whole post. I think this is more for the new generation of scared parents. My folks are still trying to figure it out. I would be blasting Public Enemy's Apocalypse '91 and they would shake their heads. Mind-blowing messages for a 12 year old boy and super-scary, hold-onto-your-purse, black-rage for a couple of white, middle-class, suburban parents. What they still, to this day, don't realize....and I'm 34 years old as I write this....I was learning everything they couldn't teach me in school. When hip hop had a real message, it had real fans and a real movement that could be stopped by very little. Hip-Hop is a powerful teacher.

Here's 5 ways it shaped my life:

5. The choices you make directly affect your life.

There are countless songs about the wrong path and how you can ruin your life forever. The most notable are probably “Children's Story” (Slick Rick) and “Just to Get a Rep” (Gangstarr). They were songs about losing your life on a quest for notoriety. Another song, “Tearz” (Wu-Tang) taught me how real STD's and AIDS were. It was a first-hand story about the guy's friend. I couldn't learn that in my public school.

4. There is a separate U.S. History they don't teach in schools
   
   
   Public Enemy had me looking at the country different. They were letting America know that it ain't all good. The country is messed up for young black people. “911 is a Joke” had me like “Huh?”. And of course N.W.A.'s “F the Police” was a face melter. I'm 10, 12 years old thinking, “Cops are a problem in your neighborhood?”. These were the go-to guys when you needed help in my town.

I learned about Malcolm X, Minister Farrakhan, Larry Davis, Mumia Abu Jamal, Nat Turner. Look these dudes up. They are important pieces of U.S. History that somehow got left out of my text books.

Knowledge is so important. Different points of view are so important. This is how we learn as a society.

3. Question everything.

You should ask why a lot. It only leads to the truth. Don't just eat what your fed. KRS-ONE was a monster at breaking down the things I learned and just accepted as truth. His self-titled album had me buggin out on a few topics. Mostly on my Christian faith. On the way home from church, I asked my mother if she knew that the cross was a form of capital punishment and why would we all get on our knees to worship it? I was 14. She was dumbstruck. No answers that day. I had questions for everything and I had a couple of cool teachers that would field those bombs I threw. Thank God for them. Bottom line: Ask questions. You'll be smarter in the end.

2. Always have a message

When you have a mic in your hand and people in front of you, say something. Share something. Share with them, what's most important to you. That's the only way I can learn about you and your point of view. Don't get me wrong, I love a good trash-talking battle rap with clever punchlines. And I love party joints that get the place rockin, but the underlying message is the meat, the protein, the nutrition. We can't survive without it.

1. Be yourself

By far, unequivocally and with out question, the most important thing Hip-Hop taught me was to be me. You have to be yourself. God made you with a purpose. He loves you and wants you to be the light that shines. You are awesome the way you are, and you should go be that to the tenth degree. Don't try to rap like this dude or make beats like that guy. All they're doing is being themselves too. So go and be the best “You” you can be and let the next generation look at you as an influence.  

What stage are you in?

There's a period in life when you are trying to figure out what works for you. Which phone, which cable service, which jeans, which car, which foods you can eat, which foods you can't. Add on whatever you want here because it's pretty much everything.  

Then you're in a stage where everything is fine and your start to wonder if you have all the best things for you and your situation. 

Then the stage of trying new things comes and you usually get burnt in a couple of sour deals. Or you try the grossest coffee or whatever. You get discouraged and go back to what had been working.

But then comes a critical stage where you may refuse to try new things.  Technology is changing and you're changing and you may get left behind.  

You have to stay alert to the new stuff and learn how to differentiate between what is going work and what is a not going to work. What's going to help and what's not going to make things better or easier? 

It's a constant temperature check to make sure you have the best tools working for you. 

What stage are you in?