9 ways to make a break up less like getting your face ripped off.

About 5 years ago, before I married my wife, she dumped me.  Looking back, I'm glad it was before we got married.  She had every right to leave me.  I was lost and not taking responsibility for my life; no goals, no direction and certainly not husband-like.  And when you're in that 2-3 year relationship and one of you really isn't trying to get serious, one leaves.  If she didn't draw her line in the sand, I would probably have never found my guts and learned that I do have what it takes to be a great person.  Here is what I learned about break-ups.  I hope it helps you find your worth! 

1. GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY FOR HELP THROUGH THIS JOURNEY
2. CRY. IT'S OK
3. BUY A JOURNAL AND START WRITING EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO HER.
   You can't talk to her whenever you want. That's no longer an option. So tell the journal. It's so important to get those words out of your head. You will always want to talk to her. You will have so many things to say daily and so much enlightenment. So many sorrys and so many gripes. Write them down. Leave her alone
4. DO NOT CALL/TEXT/EMAIL/FACEBOOK/TWEET HER, HER FRIENDS OR FAMILY.
   Kind of redundant here.  It's on purpose.  Separate your self completely from the situation. I know it hurts. Its supposed to hurt. She is hurt too and by poking and prodding you’re basically guaranteeing a never-healing wound.
5. WHEN SHE TRIES TO CONTACT YOU, BE STRONG.
   You're trying to build a space where you have you're own thoughts and feelings. She will call you out of the blue and it will always be when you're having a good day and not pining over the situation. Think opening scene of Swingers. If she had told you not to contact her, then tell her the same goes for her. Fair is fair and you're trying to get better on your terms, not hers.
6. GET RID OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE THAT REMINDS YOU OF HER.
   Sounds desperate and weird but trust me, it's going to make the healing go easier. You could be having a great day, and then notice your calender where every month is a picture of you guys on vacation and she's in a bikini mostly. C'mon man. Get that out of here. You don't need the reminder.
7. LOOK AT WHATS REALLY THERE AND DISMISS MIXED SIGNALS.
   Break ups are sticky and messy. You will talk to her or replay and old conversation in your mind. You will find something interesting to you and look deeper into it and try to make it into something. Look at what she is actually saying! This is the main point right now. So often I would dismiss what she told me to do, which was leave her alone for a while. Instead, I would map out a reason why she actually does still want me. “ Well she said she still cares for me and then she asked how my family was and so that must mean that there is something there and she just needs to see me more so she can remember.” You're not alone in this thought process. Its wishful thinking in its simplest form. It's natural. Lets go back though and look at what she said. “Leave me alone for a while, I need some time to heal, think and clear my mind.” the whole asking about your family is fundamental conversation starter when things are awkward. That's all.
8. CRY MORE. IT'S STILL OK
9. DEVELOP AND BEGIN DAILY ROUTINE
   Sticking to this will be your new relationship. Sample routine: wake up, pray, write a note to her and keep it (journal), gym, work, hang with friends. When I went through my bad one, I lost about 25 lbs at the gym and doubled my strength. I'm flabby again, but hey, back then I was a beast and it took up a lot of my time, focus and anguish. I also wrote everyday and really learned about myself. It turned out to be one of the greatest summers of my life.

An Addiction or a Commitment?

I watch movies. I watch tons and tons of movies. It doesn't matter if it's the worst movie ever or if I've seen it 57 times, I'm watching a flick everyday. Sometimes I watch two. In case I haven't pounded this point home yet, I love love love film.

I was sharing this with one of my favorite clients.

Him: “Wow. Really? Now is that an addiction or a commitment?”.

Me: “Whattya mean?” Because in my mind, it's not drugs and it's not booze.

Him: “In other words, is that something you set out to do this year? Is it your goal to watch 365 movies?”

Ahhhhh. Very interesting.

An addiction is something you don't set out to do. You do it just because. You do it even if you don't want to. It keeps you in a rut. A commitment is something you set out to do. You aspire to do it. It takes time and discipline and it can change your path. An addiction can keep you away from success and a commitment gets you on your way.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with watching flicks. That could actually be a commitment for some of us. (Like a film student or something) But if you should be spending time on your health or marriage or maybe starting your big dream, movies should get knocked off the list of priorities. A new list should be made with new commitments and disciplines.

What's your “movies”?

Are you a bouncer or a promoter?

Let's pretend that salvation is the biggest party in the history of creation. There's going to be a ton of food, a ton of music and you are invited. I've known about the party for a while and I hadn't felt like going. I saw the attendees. They seemed kind of fake and stiff and I didn't see myself fitting in there. Plus, anytime I got close to the entrance, an individual or a small group of people would tell me I wasn't dressed right. Or I couldn't get in because I had been drinking already, even though it was just a beer with my dinner. They didn't like my tattoos or my beard. I couldn't wear a hat. They told me that in order to get into this party, I needed to fix all these things. So I bounced. See ya. I can't fix all these right now.

Then I started noticing that people I really respect are going to the party. These were some people I could see myself hanging with. Now I'm really thinking about going. But wait, I have to fix these things. Well, lets just get to the door and see if those bouncers are there. They weren't there! I got in! I was just inside the door and then, boom, another group of folks. They didn't even mention my clothes. They shined a flashlight in my eyes and asked me a bunch of questions. “Do you believe we live in a Christian country, founded on Christian values? Are you yay or nay on gay marriage? Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Do you believe in creation or evolution?” The list went on a bit, but I could see very clearly that I wasn't going to make it in this time either.

I went home and thought about it for a while. I couldn't get this jaded feeling to go away. Why are there so many stipulations to get in there? It was one of those situations where I didn't even want in anymore but I knew that I needed a party like that. When I was leaving that second time, I did notice a group of dudes that looked a lot like me. They were dressed like me and were in a circle by themselves. I wanted to ask them what their deal was. How did they get in?

For months and months I stayed home, read my Bible and prayed by myself. The Bible is a giant invitation to the party and other people are inviting me like every 2 weeks. On a random day, one of those guys that resembled me sat in my chair to get a haircut. What a coincidence! It took me a while to get to it, but I finally asked if he was at that party. He emphatically stated, “Yes, but I’m different.”.

“Okay, how?”

“I don't know everything about everything. I know one thing: God loves me and he loves you and that's all I need to know. That's all that matters. Inside that party are ex-cons, ex-prostitutes, ex-fiends. They all have immeasurable worth to God. He created us and wouldn't want to see one of us excluded from the party. When you accept that fact and you live from it everyday, you see the world through his eyes and you cannot keep anyone out in the cold anymore. If we accept the invitation and walk through those doors, we all get in. That's what I told the bouncers and they stepped aside”

I simply replied “Thank you”

Are you a bouncer or a promoter? For the Kingdom of God, there are people who attract others and people who act as a gate keeper, picking who “gets in” and who doesn't. Which one are you?

Hip-Hop Shaped My Life

My freshman year at Framingham State College was full of me making an ass out of myself. I grew up in Medway, MA where we had a 1% racial diversity. The only black guys I knew were dudes I met through music. I was ignorant. Typical ignorance had me asking every kid that was a shade darker than khaki, "Do you rap?". Wow. Just in case you were looking to make a new friend, here's a racially charged conversation-killer. Have fun! My intentions were only to build with people though. I always loved talking to anyone about music and the techniques of rhyming and making beats. I did end up meeting a few cats that shared my obsession. I'm still close with one of them today. (What up Pete!)

If you're a Hip-Hop head, you can skip over this whole post. I think this is more for the new generation of scared parents. My folks are still trying to figure it out. I would be blasting Public Enemy's Apocalypse '91 and they would shake their heads. Mind-blowing messages for a 12 year old boy and super-scary, hold-onto-your-purse, black-rage for a couple of white, middle-class, suburban parents. What they still, to this day, don't realize....and I'm 34 years old as I write this....I was learning everything they couldn't teach me in school. When hip hop had a real message, it had real fans and a real movement that could be stopped by very little. Hip-Hop is a powerful teacher.

Here's 5 ways it shaped my life:

5. The choices you make directly affect your life.

There are countless songs about the wrong path and how you can ruin your life forever. The most notable are probably “Children's Story” (Slick Rick) and “Just to Get a Rep” (Gangstarr). They were songs about losing your life on a quest for notoriety. Another song, “Tearz” (Wu-Tang) taught me how real STD's and AIDS were. It was a first-hand story about the guy's friend. I couldn't learn that in my public school.

4. There is a separate U.S. History they don't teach in schools
   
   
   Public Enemy had me looking at the country different. They were letting America know that it ain't all good. The country is messed up for young black people. “911 is a Joke” had me like “Huh?”. And of course N.W.A.'s “F the Police” was a face melter. I'm 10, 12 years old thinking, “Cops are a problem in your neighborhood?”. These were the go-to guys when you needed help in my town.

I learned about Malcolm X, Minister Farrakhan, Larry Davis, Mumia Abu Jamal, Nat Turner. Look these dudes up. They are important pieces of U.S. History that somehow got left out of my text books.

Knowledge is so important. Different points of view are so important. This is how we learn as a society.

3. Question everything.

You should ask why a lot. It only leads to the truth. Don't just eat what your fed. KRS-ONE was a monster at breaking down the things I learned and just accepted as truth. His self-titled album had me buggin out on a few topics. Mostly on my Christian faith. On the way home from church, I asked my mother if she knew that the cross was a form of capital punishment and why would we all get on our knees to worship it? I was 14. She was dumbstruck. No answers that day. I had questions for everything and I had a couple of cool teachers that would field those bombs I threw. Thank God for them. Bottom line: Ask questions. You'll be smarter in the end.

2. Always have a message

When you have a mic in your hand and people in front of you, say something. Share something. Share with them, what's most important to you. That's the only way I can learn about you and your point of view. Don't get me wrong, I love a good trash-talking battle rap with clever punchlines. And I love party joints that get the place rockin, but the underlying message is the meat, the protein, the nutrition. We can't survive without it.

1. Be yourself

By far, unequivocally and with out question, the most important thing Hip-Hop taught me was to be me. You have to be yourself. God made you with a purpose. He loves you and wants you to be the light that shines. You are awesome the way you are, and you should go be that to the tenth degree. Don't try to rap like this dude or make beats like that guy. All they're doing is being themselves too. So go and be the best “You” you can be and let the next generation look at you as an influence.