But tonight, I'm reminded of the old me. The one that used to come here to lose as much of me as possible. I was more than ashamed of myself. I was hateful. I was spiteful towards my own soul. You know why? I'm serious, do you? I'm still trying to figure it out... I know I was so hurt in those days. Hurt to the point of being unrecognizable. I didn't know myself. I didn't know the ways of God and I certainly knew nothing about taking one on the chin and just manning up to take it again. I'm no working class hero. I'm not trying to be the voice of the little guy. I'm trying to get to the bottom of what exactly makes me feel like a scared little boy again. What is it that takes my manhood for a day or two? I can't call it...... I'm lying.
At some point I was programmed to believe in a false utopia. A false lifestyle where if you're really nice and don't lie and don't steal and refrain from any sexual activity, because "God is watching", then you'll be ok. Your life will just magically appear and you can enjoy it! Not true. Nothing further from the truth. Your life will be wicked hard. You will be betrayed. You will have your heart broken and you will wake up the next day and go to work. You will make a lot of mistakes and bad decisions. You will end up in a bar, drinking and writing about these exact things. Maybe you won't, but I will.
I wish Sunday school taught us about who Jesus really was, a love-crazed, hard-nosed revolutionary with divine appointment. He was rough. He was a tough guy. He was not always nice, pleasant, sweet and soft. The modern church should embrace this man and not the Cinnabon Christ. That one that goes down easy and is sweet and warm. I want the one that isn't that easy to swallow. The one that sticks in your side a bit. (pun fully intended) "Christ was not a hippy pickin lillies with his friends Jesus was a mans man, so men followed him"- da truth(cross movement) I can relate to this Jesus. I can understand him. More importantly, I feel like he can understand me; a man with many mistakes but a heart of gold.
And the show ends with the 31 yr old having exactly 2 drinks and going home, going to bed to fight again with the thoughts, anticipations and realizations.
